We scoured the Internet* for the most solid advice on how to seek, hire, and onboard new staff at your organization. Those best practices are distilled below in an easy-to-follow action plan which we hope is most useful.
- STEP 1: Have as many people as possible write the job description (JD). Do not copy-edit the JD before posting it on the web. Also make sure the contact information goes to a generic e-mail for which nobody has the password, and definitely include the phrase: “No phone calls, please.” It is best to avoid any mention of salary or other compensatory details.
- STEP 2: Once you have have received a cluster of applications, delete the job posting and discard all materials; do not contact applicants to let them know.
- STEP 3: Wait three months and repost a similar job with a slightly downgraded title. Accept applications for no less than six months.
- STEP 4: Discard all résumés which are longer than one page, and schedule initial interviews with everyone whose last name has three-or-more syllables. Do not communicate anything with unselected candidates.
- STEP 5: Wait three more months.
- STEP 6: Follow up with the two candidates who appear to have brushed their hair for the initial interviews, and invite them to complete an organizational exercise which will take no less than 20 hours of their time. The end result should be a presentation for your organization’s full staff and board, which will require at least two dozen e-mails to schedule.
- STEP 7: Wait an additional three months.
- STEP 8: Extend an offer, but make it nearly impossible for the candidate to fully understand the full compensation/benefits/vacation package.
- STEP 9: Once accepted, set a tentative first day** and provide most (but not all) of the details on how to access e-mail, phone, network, and other resources.
- STEP 10: In seven months when the incumbent resigns, begin this process over from STEP 1.
* It was more like a cursory glance at a couple Wikipedia entries
** Given the nature of the pandemic, make this as obscure and difficult as possible