Rants

Director of Strategic Failure

Society for Lax Administrative Processes (SLAP) — a nonprofit organization based somewhere — seeks to immediately and with reckless abandon hire its inaugural Director of Strategic Failure. SLAP has been in existence for some-odd years, and following input from several overpaid consultants and absentee board volunteers, has decided this new position will be vital to the success of its current and future deficiencies.

Handshake

Awkward handshake, awkward hire.

With the understanding this role will be led primarily from a perspective of “other duties assigned,” the Director’s essential responsibilities will be to:

  • Schedule meetings ad infinitum, all of which could instead be updates sent via e-mail
  • Wander the entire office suite at least once daily, muttering “Everything all good, here?”
  • Brainstorm new, innovative strategic initiatives with the executive director, ensuring each are ambiguously conveyed to the programming and fundraising staff
  • Telecommute every Friday, making sure the staff know you are unable to access any files outside the office because you “just don’t understand that whole VPN thing”
  • Copy-edit all marketing and communications materials using AP style for odd-number pages (1, 3, 5, etc.), MLA for even-number pages (2, 4, 6, etc.) and Chicago style for every tenth page
  • No less than three times each month, change the login passwords for organization’s donor CRM, e-newsletter platform and other administrative subscriptions, keeping the new passwords on a hand-written sheet of paper locked in a drawer in your home

SLAP prefers candidates with 25+ years experience in any field whatsoever, though please don’t be dissuaded from submitting an overzealous application because you have a master’s degree in nonprofit management and did a six-month internship that one time.

To apply, please mail 17 copies (single-sided on yellow cardstock) of cover letter, résumé, list of three references, headshot (or image from your childhood), memory of your favorite meal and writing sample to: Bea Arthur Fanclub, c/o Harris Productions, 11901 Santa Monica Blvd., #596, Los Angeles, CA 90025.

Interviews will begin immediately, though an offer will be tendered to a mediocre candidate after a significant waiting period of roughly two-to-three months. No phone calls, please, though since many of you will not even bother reading this , you may call 877–547–7272, which is the company headquarters of Papa John’s Pizza.

SLAP is committed to diversity, inclusion, equity, equality, Coldplay, the DQ Blizzard®, flannel shirts, antidisestablishmentarianism and pogs.

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